Category: Parenting

Change is the only constant in life

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Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher said, “Change is the only constant in life.”
We have all experienced significant changes over the last several weeks. We are familiar with change but, often only anticipated change such as the growing of our children, the changing of seasons and of course the dreaded time change. But recently we have all experienced changes which were unanticipated and have left many of us feeling confused, anxious, sad, and lonely.
As I reflect over the time of this pandemic, I see that it truly has only been a few short weeks but has felt much longer. It is also hard because we don’t know how long these “short-term changes” will last. We know that they are necessary to “flatten the curve” the changes were successful in doing just that. We also know because the curve is now flat that we are destined to long-term change.
It is too easy to dwell in the darkness and rehearse the sad stories over and over in our minds. I have heard that negativity is like velcro in our brains. We have to work hard to not think about the shortages across the world, the astronomical number of deaths and those who have died without anyone by their side, the lonely funerals, the distance between loved ones and the unknown future. It is much harder to rehearse the blessings in disguise. These are often like a fried egg slipping off a well-greased pan.
We need to practice gratitude and slow down enough to smell the roses and see the beauty that will rise again. With great tragedy comes hardship but I know that our lost loved ones, our economy, our country will rise again.
There is beauty amidst this darkness; like the opportunity to spend more time as a family. The time which used to fly by has slowed; days used to feel like minutes and now those same days feel like weeks. The weather is warming and many are seeking outdoor fun and a breath of fresh air. Organizations have had to think creatively and divergently about staffing solutions, shortages and strategies for the pandemic, this has brought about new leaders, teamwork and efficiency. Again, it is too easy to sit back and complain but much harder to take this change in stride as children do.
I have taken time to think about how my children have handled the last several weeks. They have grown accustomed to schooling at home and now love it! They have never complained about not being able to leave the house or not being able to go to the store. They have been flexible with the food we have available to us; while there was complaining at first this has become the new normal. They question out of curiosity but never argue with the answer that “this is how it is for now.” They’ve soaked up the extra snuggles, enjoying having everyone at home and look forward each and every day to the high fives and embraces that await when they reunite with their friends, their teachers, and loved ones.
So, I hope that all of us can take a moment to let go of the darkness and for a brief moment welcome in the light that our children so easily see. This too shall pass, the only constant in our life is change so, let’s enjoy each and every step by finding the goodness in each day. For without rain we would never see the rainbows.
Here are some of our blessings and memories from Quarantine in 2020…

The Most Magical Place On Earth

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After nearly a year of planning, our family took on Disney with confidence, gratitude and sheer awe. The Disney experience is truly life-changing. From the built environment to the personalities of the cast members, they truly transform the world for kids of all ages. Our 8-day plan included a 4 park pass to the Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Hollywood Studios and Epcot. We made sure to keep our park days manageable by getting their at rope drop and bowing out around dinner time each evening. This helped with the traffic and prevented major meltdowns. Since we were staying off property our fast pass opportunities were fair, especially because we were booking for a party of ten. But, it still helped to provide the necessary structure for our Disney Park agendas. At the end of the day, we were tired but not exhausted and after our 2-day respite we were ready for the remaining two parks.

Instead of rambling on about our daily itineraries, I’d like to tell the story in pictures, which starts of course with our BIG REVEAL!

A Language of Love is A Guide to Discipline

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I often get questions about if our routine as a big and busy household is any easier now that the V5 are older. I always must pause and reflect to think about what it was like when our life revolved around 90-minute feeding regimens, or the 3 critical naptimes. It is in these moments that I realize life is speeding by us and while moments can be difficult making the days long, the weeks, months and years feel quite short.

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Our difficulties in previous years revolved around time management, physical safety and growth. While these are still priorities, our focus today is on social and emotional health. I have been reading Dr. Gary Chapman’s book entitled, “The Five Love Languages of Children.” I am a big fan of individualizing the way we love others to best fill their “tanks.” This has been important in our marriage and is becoming more important in our family. I have recognized from the beginning that even though the V5 are a unit; this unit is made of very different parts. Parenting is not one-size-fits-all. A post from Positive Parenting Connection states,

“When parents take into consideration that each child comes into the world with a mind and heart all their own, they can then explore the most effective ways to connect with and guide their child.”

This quite holds so much truth for me. It helps me to realize that not only do I need to individualize the way I love but also the way I teach, guide and discipline each of my children.

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The Love Languages can also shine light upon the best way to discipline, or “the practice of training,” our children in the way we should go. We are not simply trying to modify behaviors, establish good habits and make little “yes” men and women, but we are in the business- as parents- in making good humans with strong and compassionate hearts. I don’t want to stifle my children’s questions and creativity with over-scheduling or take away their voice because I believe my way or ideas are better. I don’t want to raise robots; I want to raise 5 resilient, empathetic, creative adults who are not afraid to work, play, or even combine the two.

I am still investigating my children’s dominant love languages and in doing so I am also experimenting with the most effective way to discipline them. For those less familiar the Five Love Languages include:

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Physical Touch
  3. Quality Time
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Gifts

I’m certain all my children enjoy getting gifts, but this doesn’t light their eyes up like a note in their bed-time journals, special time with them on the weekends, or getting to sit on our laps during story time. The more effort I put into loving them in their own way, I find that their trust and respect for my changes. These are two things that I hope to never lose. These languages also help me to prevent hurting their spirit when I need to discipline them.

We have tried several different strategies for discipline and sometimes we believe the lie that they will always be this sassy and disrespectful. In the moment, my frustrations, anger and lack of patience are at a climax but at night when the house is quiet I reflect on what was really going on. Often, I was modeling sass and disrespect seeking to “steam roll” versus redirect. I would love to be a perfect parent but I’m not. I’m an emotional parent who is easily over-whelmed. I also find that when I take away their voice, give them a time-out, or send them to their room that this doesn’t work for everyone. Some of them need this time and space to process; others feel abandoned in their inner turmoil. Finding the time and space to process these encounters is difficult but it is necessary. We know anger is a secondary emotion and underneath hides fear and sadness. We need to take the time to dig deep to help our children resolve these insecurities, fears and emotions.

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Dr. Chapman, in the aforementioned book, states that the most profitable strategies for discipline are to love them through the correction. Start with an expression of their love language, avoid a discipline that is contrary to their love language and end with another expression of love. For example, if a child’s love language is words of affirmation, it would be best to start by identifying that you could see they were really trying to XYZ because you know that they do their best to XYZ. Then, move on to what you observed allowing their voice to clarify. End with more specific comments on their strengths and value. If we use harsh words with a harsh tone this can tear our little ones’ hearts apart who find vitality in others’ words. Another example, is if a child’s love language is physical touch we want to initiate and conclude discipline with endearing touch such as holding their hands, rubbing their back or embracing them.

This also makes so much sense when I read it and write it but is ever-so-hard to put into practice. But like most things practice makes more practice but eventually becomes routine. Thank you for joining me on this 6-year catharsis, I hope it inspires you to hold yours a little closer and love them a little harder.

 

Take Us Out to the Ball Game

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Take Us Out to the Ball Game, Where we will be half the crowd;
Eight innings were spent in the bathroom, But made it back for Heyward’s homerun.

Let us root, root, root for the Cubbies, They didn’t win, it was a shame.
For it’s one, two, three strikes, you’re out, At the old ball game.

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Last weekend, we had the privilege of celebrating Uncle JD’s birthday at the Cub’s game in Milwaukee. It was the girlies’ first game and our first -of hopefully many- as a family. It was a memorable day that started with a Jimmy Johns tailgate and ended with a run around the bases and birthday celebration for J.D.

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It was also Grandparents’ Day and we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to showcase Papa Ron and Nana B.

While one-third of the game was truly spent on bathroom runs, it was so fun to watch how awestruck the kiddos were of the stadium, crowd and players. Theo and Ellie were most engaged with the game.

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I’m now confident that Ellie could hold her own in the Wrigley Field bleachers… she shoots from the hip and is one tough cookie. I’ll just say that Bernie the Brewer is lucky she didn’t attend the meet and greet after the game otherwise he may have received a swift kick to the shins. Love our fiery Ellie Rosie!

Bella also managed to fall in love with the All-American Hot Dog during the 7th inning stretch!

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My favorite part of this special day was the gathering of family and friends which simply doesn’t happen often enough.

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First Week of First Grade

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September is a month of transition. New school routines, fall sports and activities which can lead to an exhausting day and it is easy to go through the motions from wake-up to bed-time. Despite the busyness, we don’t want to sacrifice the quality of our time together and how precious these moments are.

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We have been counting down to the first day of first grade since June because our crew are social animals. They thrive at school. It was evident by the last week in August that they had grown tired of their familial playmates. This first week of school has been a blast. Each kiddo has enjoyed the adventure of learning their new routine, teacher and classmates. Lucky for them, they were exposed to the entire Kindergarten class last year so the experiences was truly a shuffle of each others’ friends and an opportunity to be-friend their siblings’ besties.

All are looking forward to reading more often and with greater confidence, writing with greater clarity and expressing their creativity in art, science and music. We are ready to watch our little miracles continue to grow by leaps and bounds in first grade.

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Looking Back at Ellie Rosie (2018-2019)

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Where do I start with Ms. Elliott Rose? She is simply intense. Everything she does, she does to the extreme. When she is happy, she’s incredibly happy. When she is sad, she’s very sad. When she’s mad, Ellie goes boom! She is truly a feeler. I can see that she can sense others’ hurt and pain and it melts my heart to watch her respond in kindness. This is definitely true for our furry and feathered friends, too.

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Rosie is also our athlete who continues to love to move. Her favorites our gymnastics, tumbling, soccer and soon will be trying her hand at cheer. At the end of the day, when she has run out of gas, she is always excited to snuggle up.

Now, a look back at Ellie over the last year…

Ellie at five years…

Ellie at four years…

Ellie at three years…

Ellie at two years…

If you really want to turn back the clock, check out Ellie’s First Year…

Looking Back at Lily (2018-2019)

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Lillian Grace is snuggled right in the middle of the five and I’m certain she wouldn’t have it any other way. Lily continues to be the goofiest of the bunch and knows how to make them all laugh. She also knows just as well how to push their buttons. She has been the “lil-instigator” since day one.

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Lily knows how to go with the flow and lives by the YOLO adage, but don’t let her laid back personality fool you. She has a temper and can go from 0 to 60 just about as quick as Ellie Rose. Her storms are easy to calm with a silly face, tickle under the chin or a question for redirection.  She loves to play and is by far the most social; everyone Lily meets is a new friend.

Join me as we take a look back at Lily’s last year…

Lily at five years…

Lily at four years…

Lily at three years…

Lily at two years…

Lily’s First Year…

Looking Back at Bella (2018-2019)

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On to big sister Isabella Marie! She is still our petite princess who consistently has an imaginary story line playing through her mind.  She continues to love to be artistic whether it is through drawing, coloring, singing or interpretive dance.  This sweet girl also loves America, country music and her big brother Theo!

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While she is 90% sweet, there is 10% spunky goof ball with a bit of sass; she has renamed this alter ego Izzy.  While we are trying to adapt to her new name, she will forever be our Bella Bean.

Now, a look back at Bella over the last year:

Bella at five years…

Bella at four years…

Bella at three years…

Bella at two years…

Bella’s First Year…

Finding Calm Amidst Chaos

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Our house is loud. Our house is competitive. In our house, choices have consequences. Our has a schedule where there is a time to eat, play, sleep and head here and there. There is no doubt that this environment is stressful. I, the keeper of the schedule know that better than anyone. But, our home is also filled with love, laughter, prayer, gratitude, grace and mercy.

This home’s environment is much different than the one I grew up in but the values remain the same. Because of this I see my children evolving to be different than I was when I was younger. They are more confident, outspoken, expressive. They have to share everything from their bedroom to their time. None of this is bad. I just wonder at times what they are thinking and what this experience- this childhood- is really like for them.

There are moments when we find ourselves one-on-one where I catch a glimpse of them with their guard down. Whether it be their soft eyes, gentle smile or genuine laugh, it is then I know that they are doing okay, that they’re going to be okay. Rarely, are there uninterrupted conversations, but now that they can read and write, our conversations have become asynchronous. They can leave us a note, or a picture and we can do the same. It is in these stick figure drawings and scripted words that again I know that they’re going to be okay.

With each passing day they grow up a bit more. They become more independent and more united at the same time. They need others a bit more and us a bit less. While this is hard, I know it is good.

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Translation: “Nobody go in this room”

But, I have to consciously combat the worry and the fear that perhaps this environment may perpetuate invisible illness and may pay a toll on their young hearts and minds. Our children, like all others, are developing a sense of mastery of their environment and themselves with each passing day. They can understand reasons for why life is the way it is; these may be logical or magical. I believe it is vital that we, as caregivers, know when to step in and when to step back, in order to foster resilience and not dependency or injury.  The following 7 strategies were adapted from the American Psychological Association’s suggestions for fostering resilience across the lifespan.

Strategies to Foster Resilient Families

  1. Make connections. Relationships expose us to another person’s journey which provides us with perspective and increases the skill of empathy. A strong network of friends and family can also provide social support which can provide a non-judgmental safety net when we fall.
  2. Empower through Service. Age-appropriate volunteerism can help the helpless.
  3. Maintain Routine. Most thrive with consistency because it can provide comfort. In times of change, it can be helpful to find rest in celebrating the child’s routine.
  4. While routine and structure are beneficial if they lead to worry, they become counter-productive. Hit the pause button on life to explore with the child the source of worry. If it is the routine, celebrate spontaneity and re-construct the routine together.
  5. Practice and Preach Self-care. Finding and making time to care for one’s self through solid nutrition, exercise and rest is pivotal for keeping one’s tank full; this is a necessity to prevent burn-out especially when caring for a child with any illness- visible or invisible. Children will also bare witness to our self-care and establish their own methods.
  6. Nurture Positivity. Hardship can be handled with greater ease in the context of hope and trusting relationships. Helping a child trust the process, look for the positive and trust themselves to overcome life’s hurdles can build resilience and strengthen their self-efficacy towards present and future difficulties. While children may not be able to assess long-term consequences, we can help them see past the current situation and find hope while exploring optimism amidst fears.
  7. Accept Change. Change can be scary but learning to accept and roll with change at an early age can foster resilience. Navigating opportunities for self-discovery amidst change continues to build into the child and provides a reflective skill-set which can aid in changing with change.

Big picture

Resilient parents raise resilient children who have “the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change” and find calm amidst chaos. This ability to bounce back and grow is not just a process for self-development but a philosophy. We have the opportunity to plant “seeds of strength” and self-care so, our children can overcome the challenges of illness, a busy household, and/or hardships at home, work and school to courageously take on life with grace, generosity and gratitude.

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Additional Resources on Resilience

Resilience

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Resilience: “the ability to overcome serious hardship; toughness.”

One week ago, I got yet another call from the school nurse sharing that our little buddy was in her office. Theo had been a frequent visitor to the nurse’s office since the first week of school with perpetual tummy aches. We were chalking it up to pooping problems given that their water intake had been likely cut in half since the start of school. However, last Wednesday he was refusing to go back to the class. He didn’t have a fever but was unable to keep anything down so, a quick Google search told me he was either severely constipated, caught norovirus, or a different stomach bug. Unfortunately, water, miralax and a glycerin suppository didn’t produce the results we were expecting so we settled on a bad stomach bug. Then, Thursday evening we noted that his stomach had blown up like a water balloon and nothing could soothe him; Off to the ER we went.

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Obstructed portion of the small intestine

I was hesitant to jump to emergent care because Theo was showing these same symptoms back in February which didn’t show anything significant; this time was different. The abdominal x-ray didn’t demonstrate stool burden so we moved on to an MRI. Here we saw that Mr. Theo had a bowel obstruction. The next 2 hours flew by as an emergent surgery was organized. The best case scenario was that Theo’s small intestine was simply kinked like a garden hose… the worse case scenario was that the obstruction could be so bad that he would leave with an ostomy.

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Frank rushed to the hospital as we were moving to pre-op. Theo was cool, calm and collected. He simply wanted to know the facts. This young boy knows the word surgery and all that it entails far too well after 4 surgeries in his first 4 years of life, including a repair of a spontaneous bowel perforation (day 1), anastamosis (3 months), an epiplocele repair, and a tonsil-and adenoid-ectomy. We discussed two plans with the surgeon; Plan A which was a simpler laparoscopic procedure where they would enter through his belly button and two small sites on either side and Plan B where they would convert Plan A to an open procedure for more extensive repair.

The surgery took two hours and we were notified after 90 minutes that they were progressing through Plan A. To say that we were relieved would be an under-statement. Once Theo procedure had concluded, the surgeon came to visit us to explain that this obstruction was a spontaneous occurrence and had nothing to do with bowel habits, hydration or anything we or Theo could’ve caused. The obstruction was caused by the omentum.

The omentum is a fascinating apron of fat within the abdomen which not only keeps our organs in place but also plays an immunological role. The omentum’s central role is the abdominal defenseman, it adheres to sites of inflammation and provides leukocytes to combat infection. In Theo’s case the omentum had adhered to the sites of his previous bowel surgeries, stretching across a portion of his small intestine. This part of the small bowel proceded to push through the stretched omentum- creating a donut-like shape- and then curved back around and came back through the same hole.

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Kinked small intestine

This kink in the intestine had been developing since Theo’s first symptoms in February. During the procedure, the team trimmed back the omentum, releasing Theo’s small intestine. They then inspected most of small intestine to examine other sites of adhesion but felt no further alterations were necessary.  We found this pathophysiology to be fascinating, as did Theo. He even got surgical pictures as a keepsake. He enjoys retelling the story to his sisters with these graphic images.

Amazingly, Theo displayed his resilience by discharging from the hospital 1 day later and returning to school on Monday. His bravery, curiousity and recovery truly make him one of our five super heroes!

 

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